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LESS FAMILY PRESENCE ADDS TO PEER PRESSURE

“It’s great to be together as a family again!” a father said to his wife and sons at the end of a parent-teen weekend I’d been leading. His words bothered me. Had they not been spending time together as a family? Had he been away on some extended business trip? Had the parents separated? It wasn’t any of the latter. Rather, each family member while living in the same house had been so involved in his or her own activities that it took a weekend away from home for them to spend time together again! Now that I’ve experienced years of hustle and bustle that comes with living with teenagers, I know about this struggle.

While it’s natural for parents and teenagers to spend less time together as the kids pass through adolescence, it’s unwise to assume that it’s all right to not spend time as a family. Parents who become over involved in work, recreation, and other outside activities are also making the choice to spend less time with the family. As a result they open the door for their teenagers to spend more time “living with” and listening to their peer group. In addition, when parent-teenager time decreases, parents know less about what their kids are facing, and parental influence decreases as well. When asked by the Gallup Institute, “How would you rate your parents on understanding these things about you?” 38 percent of teenagers rated their parents “fair” or “poor” regarding knowledge about peer pressures they face.358

So, after years of little or no family time, an entire generation of “baby busters” has moved through their teenage years and into adulthood with a hunger for deep, meaningful relationships. The “buster” label is accurate, given the fact that many in this age group look back on their personal history and see a series of “busted” relationships.

Developmental expert David Elkind cites the breakdown of the family as one of the main reasons for the crisis among adolescents in today’s world. In his classic, still-relevant book “All Grown Up and No Place to Go”, Elkind says that what teenagers need is time to grow through the normal and confusing changes of adolescence. Yet, our society pushes them through adolescence, forcing them into premature adulthood that they’re unable to handle. The deteriorating family, including absent and uninvolved parents, is to blame. The result for our teenagers, says Elkind, is stress and its aftermath.359

Much of that stress occurs when the powerful influence and expectations of the peer group are not balanced by loving, involved parents who spend time with their kids. Consequently, close friends wind up understanding teenagers more than their own parents do. In addition, the peer group assumes the nurturing role, thereby shaping the values, attitudes, and behaviors that should be shaped by Mom and Dad. Dean Borgman notes that kids whose lives are marked by resiliency to the struggles of adolescence (including negative peer pressure and influence) are marked by a history of “strong family nurture.”360

The absence of family nurture has changed how teenagers are relating to one another, and have upped the intensity of peer influence and pressure. Chap Clark’s research into the lives and world of today’s emerging generations offers convincing evidence that kids are relating in new ways. Clark says that because kids have been abandoned by those who should be there for them, they look for a safe place elsewhere. They find “a family with a set of respected and controlled expectations, loyalties, and values” in peer “clusters.”361 These groups of teenagers who identify themselves as a relational unit “develop because mid adolescents know they have no choice but to find a safe, supportive family and community, and in a culture of abandonment, the peer group seems to be the only option they have.”362 Clark identifies one of the distinguishing marks of a cluster (ranging in size from roughly four to ten kids) as “rules and norms: While a cluster is being developed, a subtle, almost imperceptible negotiation goes on among the members. The necessary rules, norms, values, and even narratives of the cluster that serve to bind the members together are all worked out prior to the cluster’s ultimate formation. After these have been negotiated and established (again, almost never through explicit dialogue or reflection), the members of the cluster tend to subordinate their own personal convictions, loyalties, and norms to the will of the collective whole.”363 Consequently, the influence of the cluster shapes values, attitudes, and behaviors of an adolescent with an intensity and depth not known by previous generations of teenagers who also experienced peer influence and pressure, but at a markedly different level that was tempered and shaped by a stronger family context.

I believe negative peer pressure and influence would be significantly lower if our families weren’t marked by so much lack of togetherness. More kids would be better equipped to handle the stresses and strains of negative peer pressure.

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Walt Mueller is the founder and president of the Center for Parent Youth Understanding, which serves churches, schools, and community organizations around the world by providing information and analysis on contemporary youth culture. He’s a 30-year youth ministry veteran that lives with his wife in Pennsylvania.

Learn more about and purchase “Youth Culture 101″ here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?&products_id=332

*Save 30% off the retail price of “Youth Culture 101″ when you use Coupon Code YPN194 and order by 2/11/09.

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This week is all about discipline don’ts. These four ideas will help reinforce approaching discipline in a positive manner. This excerpt from “When Church Kids Go Bad” (and they do!) will help you. (Editor’s Note: This was originally written to youth workers, but applies to parenting as well.)

FOUR DISCIPLINE DON’TS

I’ve spent most of this chapter offering a variety of ideas about what you can do to respond effectively to everyday discipline challenges. But before we close, let’s look at a few important “don’ts” of discipline:

DON’T EXPECT YOU’LL ALWAYS BE POPULAR

When youth leaders complain they can’t control their young people, I frequently ask, “Do they do what you ask them to do?” The answer is often, “Yeah, they do it–but I don’t like the way they do it. It’s their attitude, you see.” When I pursue the issue, I find that many leaders think teens should not only be compliant, but also should be delighted over the opportunity to comply.

But teenagers are usually not happy about being corrected–that’s a lesson we all learn eventually. One ministry I worked with had a rule that no smoking was allowed during our week at camp. One year, a counselor saw a kid lighting up during free time. Since this kid had never camped with us before, the counselor went to the young person, explained the rule, and asked the camper to put out the cigarette. The camper complied, but the counselor was upset the student didn’t look thrilled at being told he wouldn’t be allowed to smoke all week. Rather than getting bent out of shape, the counselor probably should have been appreciative that the camper complied with his wishes. Agreeing not to smoke for the week may have been very difficult for this kid–especially since he didn’t share the counselor’s opinion on the value of cigarette smoking (or lack of it).

Don’t expect your students will like every single thing you ask them to do. Simply because you want a young person to stop a certain behavior does not mean she’ll no longer have that desire. Don’t hassle a kid who complies just because she doesn’t seem happy about it. I’m not saying you should accept backtalk or nastiness, but don’t declare war just because the kid has an expression on her face that says, “This is a dumb rule.” Don’t even try to convince her immediately that it is a good rule. You can explain your reasoning at a later time when the person is ready to talk.

DON’T EMBARRASS TEENAGERS PUBLICLY

If you’ve spent hours preparing a lesson, the last thing you want is a disruption in the group. It can be tempting to say something in response that might embarrass the troublemaker, and make him or her feel humiliated. But before you do so, consider the consequences.

Teenagers are incredibly self-conscious. Your remark may stop the troublemaking behavior, but the resulting embarrassment could cost you a group member. And that one embarrassed teenager will probably tell five or six friends what you did–and you may lose them, too. Most outbursts are designed to get your attention. You reward troublemakers when you stop everything to focus on them.

DON’T RESORT TO DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM OR NAME-CALLING

A pinch of constructive criticism is part of the recipe for any good youth group. Unfortunately, many youth leaders shovel the criticism out by the truckload–and that can do more harm than good.

Here are some helpful hints on using criticism constructively. First of all, critique the behavior, not the person. Criticizing someone lowers that person’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. Separate the behavior from the person.

Remember that it takes eight positive comments to make up for a single negative one–and that includes those critical comments we intend to be constructive. Be sensitive to the individual. Share your insights with a young person at a time when he’s not surrounded by his peers, when both of you are not rushed, and after you’ve taken time to gain his respect.

Maybe a young person has a problem with hygiene and you know other kids are avoiding him because of his body odor. This problem needs to be pointed out to the young person, but it must be done very gently–not with a condemning attitude, but with a spirit of love and support. If you are going to point out a problem or concern, make sure you also offer practical solutions; otherwise your criticism can merely destroy the person you want to help.

No matter what happens, never resort to name-calling. All teenagers have certain imperfections about which they are overly sensitive. The world takes notice of them to tease and ridicule. If a teenager is small, he’s called “shorty,” “squirt,” “shrimp,” or “runt.” If he’s tall and thin, he’s “beanpole” or “stick.” If he’s overweight, it might be “fatso” or “blimp.” If he’s weak or uncoordinated, he might be “wimp” or “geek.” Teenagers suffer deeply from such nicknames, even when they feign indifference.

In general it’s best for adult leaders to avoid teasing their young people, even in jest. Insults cut deeper and last longer when they come from an adult youth leader. We can learn to communicate without sarcasm and ridicule. There is no place for biting comments in conversations between adult leaders and young people. Sarcasm evokes hatred and provokes counterattacks.

Criticism of personality and character gives a young person negative feelings about herself. A young person who is made to feel stupid accepts such evaluation as fact. She may give up intellectual pursuits to escape ridicule. Since competition means failure, her safety depends on not trying.

DON’T THREATEN WHAT YOU CANNOT OR WILL NOT DO

Have you ever gotten so frustrated–after trying every method imaginable to quiet your group–that you yelled out a threat so idiotic your kids knew you would never follow through on it? Something similar to, “If you kids don’t shut up, I’ll never allow you to go on another church activity as long as you live!” They may stop the noise for a second, until they realize you’d never do such a thing. Empty threats don’t help at all. In fact, such false statements just let kids know they have you!

The freshmen who enter our youth group each September are often a bit intimidated because they are the youngest ones in the group. One skit we do each year breaks the ice and helps those young people get a glimpse of one aspect of our discipline methods. As the young people come into the room on a particular week, I start trying to quiet them down–but I don’t try very hard. Eventually, I pretend I’m getting mad and finally yell out, “If you kids don’t shut up, I’m going to rip your arms off!”

Well, it always gets deadly silent–except for one eleventh-grader in the front row who continues to talk loudly. I walk directly to that student (who’s still talking) and repeat, “I told you–if you don’t shut up, I’m

going to rip your arms off.” At this point you could hear a pin drop in the room. Every eye is on me and this one young person (who is still the only one talking). I reach over and grab him by the arm…

What the new freshmen don’t know is that I got together with this eleventh-grader before the meeting and fixed him up so he has a mannequin’s arm up his sleeve. After I grab the arm, I yank it right out of his sleeve. The freshmen kids in the back are screaming, “He did it! He really did it!” The kids quickly realize we were kidding–and everybody has a good laugh. But then I explain that if we say we’re going to do something in this youth group, they can bet we will follow through on it.

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Les Christie has spent more than forty years in youth ministry, including more than twenty years in the same church. An energetic speaker, Les also chairs the youth ministry department at William Jessup University. He’s the author of more than a dozen books and lives in California with his wife, Gretchen, where he no longer has to discipline his two grown sons, Brent and David.

Learn more about and purchase “When Church Kids Go Bad” here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=431

*Save 30% off the retail price of “When Church Kids Go Bad” when you use Coupon Code YPN193 and order by 2/4/09.

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This week’s article finishes up the Growing Up, Preteen series by Mark Oestreicher. Mark answers the question, “When am I done parenting?”

Question: When am I done parenting? Isn’t most of it done by the time kids reach their teenage years?

In one sense (and you all know this), you’re never done being a parent. I called my dad this week (I’m in my 40s, by the way) to get his advice and prayer (or course, he does the same with me now). And parenting teenagers has, in reality, stretched well into a students 20s in most cases. Adolescence has extended on both ends of its age delineators.

But I have a couple theories I’d like to suggest you consider:

First, you should make this assumption–by the time your child is in HS, most of your parenting is done. That’s not to say that you still don’t have a very important role in her life–you do! But it’s normally a bit late to “change course”. Parenting an older teen (or young 20-something) is more about “staying the course”. More about continuing to model what you’ve already set in place.

You might be thinking: this is supposed to be a column on pre-teens and young teens–I’m not even starting to think about the high school years yet! Fair enough. But the reality I just proposed adds significant weight to this next reality:

You’re on the last lap. Or, maybe the 2nd-to-last lap.

These tender years of 9 – 11 (pre-teen) and 11 – 14 (young teen) are some of the most formative years of life. Kids are still extremely moldable, changeable, open. But as they settle into their mid-teen identity, change come less and less often. This is why I always joke with middle school ministry workers that we are still in “preventive ministry”, while high school work is often “corrective ministry.”

What does a long-distance runner do in the final lap or two? Think of the finish line. Calibrate what needs to take place in this diminishing space. Then recalibrate. Continue to pace yourself and recalibrate again.

Don’t forget these two extremely important facts:

1. You are still the #1 influence in the life of your child at this age. This will begin to shift to their peer group in the older teen years.

2. The almost-absurd amount of change going on in the life of you pre-teen/young teen places them at a small timeframe of massive malleability (yes, I realize it doesn’t always seem that way – but it’s true).

These two facts combine to make these final laps of the parenting race some of the most important of your God-given role.

So don’t throw in the towel. Don’t concede. Don’t abdicate your role to the church or the culture or their peer group. Let God fill your lungs with a fresh air of strength and courage. And take another step. And another.

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Mark Oestreicher is the president of Youth Specialties (www.YouthSpecialties.com), the leading provider of resources and training for Christian youth workers. Marko speaks to parents, teens and youth workers around the world, and writes books (mostly for youth ministry and young teens). He lives in San Diego with his wife, Jeannie, and his two kids, Liesl and Max.

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